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How to find the right partner | Tony Verheij | TEDxTwenteU

Transcriber: Denise RQ Reviewer: Marta Palacio

How many of you believe in love at first sight?

Thank you.

Did you know that when it comes to love,

we still think exactly the same as the Neanderthal?

We just have a slightly different mating ritual.

My name is Tony Verheij.

Today, I will tell you the secrets of how to find the right partner,

right now.

I'm having a dream marriage.

I'm waking up next to my dream every morning.

I'm living with my dream for almost ten years.

And we're still madly in love and that kept me wondering

why are there so few people truly happy after ten years?

So I started to investigate;

I read books, I visited seminars.

How many of you have read the book by John Gray,

"Men are from Mars and women are from Venus?"


This is my second presentation ever

So have a little bit of patience - and I see the clock ticking.


John Gray has a great explanation about how love and attraction works,

from the past and the present,

but he has no real solution for the future.

So today I will talk to you

about the future of love, about your future.

Bear with me.


I only have four minutes.

I want you to open your ears, your eyes, your mind, and your heart,

because these four minutes will blow your mind:

the formula of true love in just four minutes.

How many of you had parents

who were still kissing while growing up?

Or grandparents who were still kissing while growing up?

OK, thank you.

Well, I didn't.

Sometimes people start off with the wrong partner,

but they don't want to fail,

so they keep on motivating themselves, they keep on struggling.

If people only knew

how to find the right partner, and how to keep the right partner,

there wouldn't be so much struggle, there wouldn't be so many divorces.

What would this world look like if each child grows up

and he doesn't suffer from the pain of his mom and dad fighting,

or he doesn't have to suffer from the pain of a divorce?

What would this world look like if a child grows up

and sees his mom and dad holding hands and love each other until death?

Just be conscious about how love works,

because love doesn't work in mysterious ways.

There are three main components to love:

it's biological, it's chemical, and it's mental.

Biological - from Neanderthal until now,

men and women fit well together.

Yeah, they fit well -


Our instincts tell us to look for a woman with broad hips,

and it tells the woman to look for a man with a big... potential.

We all want certainty.


Chemical - I have an eye-opener for you;

there is only love at first sight because love blinds us.

When you fall in love with the wrong partner,

we're blind to it.

Some find out they are with the wrong partner

when they are 60, 70, or even older.

Our biology, our body, our hormones,

this chemical factory in our head makes us behave as people we are not.

We start off wearing a mask,

We never clean our house, and when our date comes,

then we clean the room, we start to walk different,

we start to talk different.

Women act different.

Based on that, we create false expectations.

Our partners fall in love with someone we are not.

So when our biology, when our chemistry is wearing out,

and when our biology is getting less attractive

- and less attractive as the previous one -

we still have the same partner.

Besides our physical part,

there's still our mental part.

You want to wake up 30 years from now and still be in love with the same person.

You don't need multiple possibilities.

You just need one.

You just need the right one.

This presentation should take three minutes less,

so if we can skip a few of the slides...

All I have for you is one more question.

Ah, OK, this one...

"When a man wants to touch a woman,

he needs to touch her heart.

When a woman wants to touch a man's heart,

she needs to touch him."

All I have for you is one more question:

how many of you are single?

Keep your hands up and look around, because--


It's not for me to check,

but you just heard the formula for true love,

and so did they.

If you show your real face to them,

they will show you their real face,

and if you open up your heart, they will open up their heart.

My name is Tony Verheij,

thank you for sending me your future wedding cards.